Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 6 of 9

~why can i not lose the weight?~
(aka: "find a way to say 'yes'")

for this entry, i am simply going to skip right to the bullet points:

Some Lessons Learned? and random thoughts....
*i am quick to lie to myself.

*i have a greater appetite for pleasure than i do for food; food just happens to be one of the ways in which i derive pleasure. so i am learning to "take pleasure" in foods that are also good for me - this is requiring, largely, a re-training of my appetites. ;) [more on this below]

*i have seen some indications in both the current health/wellness class i am taking, and in other information online, etc. that compels me to believe that processed carbs especially are inherently addictive, especially to some individuals:

*i am one of those individuals by virtue of no doubt a genetic predisposition, a preference to be a night owl (and thus more apt to "crave" carbs to sustain my alertness into the night), and an overall lack of discipline in my life as far as eating well-balanced meals.

*my "comfort" foods are almost all of a complex carbohydrate nature - hearkening back to the foods we ate when we were kids. if it were up to me, my diet would happily consist of mac&cheese, saltine crackers, various kinds of ice cream, and doughy pizza. (what on earth?! i know, right?)

*even when i eat in small quantities, and even when i [think i] am eating proportionally correctly (carbs/proteins/fruits/veggies) i cannot seem to lose the weight.

*I FEEL HUNGRY WHEN I AM DEHYDRATED, and therefore need to consciously discipline myself to drink water. As yet, this is not a habit that is second nature to me, and i very very rarely get enough to drink throughout the course of the day.

*little "rules"/"tricks" can help - such as drinking 2 glasses of water before i allow myself a cup of coffee (which naturally dehydrates), drinking 2 glasses of water immediately upon the conclusion of any visit to a restroom, drinking at least 8 oz of water before eating any food, drinking a glass of water FIRST whenever i feel a hunger pang....etc.

*i get discouraged VERY easily because i loathe my reflection in a mirror and am very quick to "quit" any self-disciplinary efforts.

*friendship/accountability doesn't seem to work for me - i still lack follow through, and then just add shame to my already self-loathing attitude.

*i just plain do not enjoy physical activity - i think this is largely left over from having developed at a very young age and being more well-endowed than most of my classmates - to say nothing of my natural clumsiness. i feel self-conscious exercising in front of ANYONE - no matter whether they are smaller or larger than i am.

*no doubt the above point is directly related to the "idol of my heart" to be thought well of by others. i tend to be a perfectionist, and if i have demonstrated a general lack of skill in some area, i have avoided it altogether rather than disciplining myself to obtain that goal.

*i remember being really good at kickball back in the day - and i had powerhouse legs. i think i should have learned to play soccer - and i wonder if it is too late to learn, now? i would need to get in shape some before i could even try - but where on earth would i find such an activity so many years removed from the world of academia?

*i HATE HATE HATE "bouncing" and i HATE HATE HATE being sweaty (no doubt related to the fact i am something of a chronic hand-washer and can't stand feeling "dirty"!) - perhaps a touch of OCD?

*walking is enjoyable, especially in scenic areas - and i think i could really enjoy some kind of hiking - but i really hate being alone. and i'm sorry - i can not do the mall-walking thing!

*i need to find ways to discipline myself into physical activity that will minimize my exposure to other people but won't necessarily always mean i'm isolated/alone, and will also minimize the "impact" so it limits the bouncing factor and the wear/tear on my joints, and i need to have quick access to a way to get clean....

*no doubt i should also train myself to care much less about whether other people are "watching" me or not. so what if they are? what do they care? and so what if they do? why should their "caring" [mocking?!] make me care enough to not get up and move!?

*now, to concentrate on learning a way to physically discipline my body so i can enjoy the activities which i perform....most simply, i enjoy "purpose" - there must be a meaningful reason for what i am doing. (ie: merely looking better is "meaningless" to me - not literally, per se, but in light of "what lasts" it is.) so in view of this, i am thinking through the following:

-identify "destinations" so that when i am walking i am actually going somewhere
-identify meditations/prayers/Scripture to memorize while walking
-look for opportunities to invite a friend for a walk as a means of both visiting with the friend and getting up and moving around!
-investigate options to enjoy the facilities at my apartment complex - up to and including the pool; perhaps at a time when it is otherwise unoccupied so as to avoid the "self-conscious" notion of being in a bathing suit in public!!
-look for ways to be "moving" even in my apartment - perhaps stairstepping type exercises, or invest in some hand-held weights to keep by the TV.

*in keeping with "re-training" my appetites, i am trying to apply the "wine-tasting" mentality to eating my meals:

-take the time to savor
-similarly, take time to prepare! that is - there is intrinsic pleasure to be derived from the crafting of a good meal - make time so you can take time!
-take time to look at the food/drink before you consume it
-appreciate the colors, the composition
-think about what you are going to eat
-how it was made, what creative and intelligent effort went into the growing and nurturing and harvesting of the foodstuffs that went into making this meal
-consider how the various spices and other component parts come together to make the overall flavor
-chew slowly, tasting the bite on different sections of your tongue, thinking about the nuances of the flavors

*i need to find ways to not give up....