~how does the Lord give grace to the humble(d)~
(aka: "...He himself has ministered to me through it.")When you spend an increasingly cumulative amount of time sick, and are losing more and more time of each day to some form of having to lay down or be in bed just to maintain functionality, it is tempting to grow increasingly despairing and to make demands of God - to restore your health or to provide someone to help take care of you, or whatever it is.
I have begun to suspect that as the Lord has allowed me (caused me?) to suffer the consequences of some poor decisions, and some "accidents" of genetics and the like, that he has been taking me through a process designed to first make me aware of my self-sufficiency, and then to break down my ability to maintain it, and to restore to me not only the awareness of my dependence on him for grace and mercy, but also for my every breath, my mind, my ability even to walk or to speak.
It has been a humbling process, to be sure, but the increasing awareness of my need has only made me grow in my appreciation for his kindness - because sometimes, immobile and concentrating on just being able to breathe, the only thing I have had left that I could still manage was to read some bit of Scripture or a book (most recently "Overcoming Sin and Temptation" by John Owen) or to pray. And in those moments, it seems I was most keenly aware of the fact that while no one else might know that I was genuinely struggling, the Lord himself was able to minister to me. That is, he interposed his hand to keep me from the temptation of making demands, and instead taught me more of the preciousness of the abundance of the good gifts that he has already given me in Christ.
I hope, even if (as it seems) I am healing physically, I never forget my utter dependency on him.
*The Lord has been answering my prayer!
A few years ago when I first came to the awareness of the sovereignty of God in his grace, I had prayed precisely the promise repeated in Scripture that "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble," and I had asked him to "make me HUMBLE, by whatever means, so that I might receive more of your grace." There is a sense in which a person can know what he is asking when he prays a prayer like this, and I was asking out of a heart that had already been humbled enough to taste of the sweetness of Christ. And I wanted more.
*The Lord determines how he will be worshipped.
When I first lost my "breath" (pneumonia/chronic bronchitis), it meant I could no longer sing - which was one of the primary ways in which I not only ministered in my church, but also worshipped the Lord, myself. I found it terribly humbling, and I went through a kind of grieving as there was a possibility (if my doctors were to be believed) that I would be sick with COPD the rest of my life. I had to rearrange myself - and in that time, the Lord showed me that HE was the one who would dictate in my life how he would and should be worshipped. And if that meant, for now, taking away my voice, then so be it. And he instead, opened other ways - to "make music in my heart" to the Lord, which very often meant just sitting or standing quietly in my row with other brothers and sisters and listening to them sing praises to the Lord. It meant sitting out in the congregation and listening to the choir perform, and the worship team's harmonies. It meant, in short, a lot more of me "being still and knowing that he is God."
*The Lord will provide - if it is a genuine need.
It is true, there is a strange isolating process that takes place when you are chronically sick. You stop telling people "how you are" because the answer is always the same - you're sick, you're tired, you're just glad you could continue to work this past week - but you had to drop out of everything else, you're struggling, you're this, you're that. But it is also true that if you really need something - that is, not just if you "feel" like you have a need, but it is a real need - the Lord provides. And there has been more than one occasion in the course of the past 2-3 years where the Lord has forced me to humble myself and receive someone else's gracious gift - such as a meal, or a special delivery of juice and tea, or a word of kindness, a visit from a friend, or the offer to help in some other way. I didn't always get what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted. But I have never been in need but that the Lord has provided.
*As a followup to the above point, I learned some other things (perhaps "childlike," but then - I have been largely an "infant come toddler" in my faith, and I DO have a lot of growing up to do. ;)) that I don't need.
I don't "need" to be understood. I don't "need" to keep up with my house. I don't "need" always the company of friends or family. I don't "need" to always LOOK good. I don't "need" to always FEEL good....And if I find, at any time, these "felt needs" are stripped away, I am left more humbled and more inclined to call upon the Lord for help and restoration....Not as one making a DEMAND, but rather seeking such things from the hand of a Good Father, in humility acknowledging that "every good gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights who does not change like shifting shadows."
It would seem to me I should desire MORE that my "felt needs" be stripped away - because what greater need do I really have? Than to call upon my God and receive his mercy?
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