Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 7 of 9, *edits added 4/9/09 LRP.

~a downward spiral, to the point of collapse~

(aka: "it's never just one thing...")

I have been asked for this post ;) but I will say, there are "edits" present if you already read the original version of it. I was disappointed in myself to find, upon rereading, that the post felt, in places, entirely too "self-indulgent" - I suppose attempting a rather "autobiographical" post/blog will lend itself to some measure or at least appearance of self-indulgence.

But my goal is, rather, to explain the details of some of my experiences in the hopes that someone (you?) will see in their own lives a collection of stressors that might encourage them to try the path that I have now tried. Admittedly, I haven't told you what that path is, but I will give you two hints - 1) is to refer you to the list of links to the right of my page, here, especially those concerning the gluten-free lifestyle. and 2) is simply to suggest that there is a wealth of wisdom to be learned from the verse "Be still and know that I am God."

All that said, without further ado - "It's never just one thing...."

JOB STRESS - MIGRAINES AND "SPIDERS"

*worked for the bank for nearly 8 years, culminating in a very stressful and time-consuming job in which I was relying very heavily on adrenalin to keep up with all the questions from representatives (in a 200+ person department) and escalated customer issues, etc. (I have covered some of this in previous entries.)

*during last year there noticed substantial increase in regularity of migraine headaches (2-3 a week, so virtually constant) - lights/computer monitor all affected this; stress levels continued to rise due to some decisions by corporate management which added to weight on shoulders of only a few of us to carry the many.

*also began to see "spiders" in the otherwise blindspots of my peripheral vision; like "black flashes" which always caused me to jerk my head - as if trying to see the things just out of sight. I speculated that these "flashes" were related to my migraines and a vitamin B12 deficiency - as I took more B12 and magnesium supplement, I noticed these "spiders" decreased. I also wonder how much of that might have been spiritually related?

ADRENALIN COPING

*my habit was always "revved" up speech patterns and I was always "turned on" as if - colloquially speaking - I was "cranked up" or "jacked up" on something. I also took something of a bit of pride in being able to work at a breakneck pace. It seemed to be desired and admired in the corporate environment, and it helped me move up the ranks in the authority structure at the bank. I was considered "ambitious."

*Meanwhile, my weight continued to increase, my headaches were more fierce and constant, and nearly all meaninful relationships/activities outside my job came to naught (most notably matters pertaining to my involvement at church - which had previously been significant - teaching sunday school to 4-5th graders, directing the choir, etc.)

*simultaneous to professional endeavors - went through a relational crisis (pertaining to a "romantic" relationship which was/wasn't) in my personal life which - having occurred in 2002 - carried over from '02 through '05 with significantly stressful consequences - ultimately until I left my then church (where he and his new she remained).

*During those same years, my family went through very significant upheaval as my brother started getting into drugs and turned away from his relationship with the Lord, my sister who had been my roommate and confidante got married and moved out of my life (so it seemed), and my parents moved a couple hours away as my Dad made a dramatic change in his profession - resigning from his tenured position at a local State University to go into full-time ministry as now a Pastor in non-local little church.

I was spiralling into a very severe depression - in part brought on by a combination of stress, spiritual angst, and relational conflict/emotional trauma, and a general feeling of abandonment.

*quit my job at the bank in '05 - taking a huge pay cut, giving up nearly ALL conceivable employee benefits (including health insurance!?!), and taking pride in all these factors - as if I was "sticking it to the man" and making a statement about the state of the corporate influence over my then position.

*nearly simultaneously, I changed churches.

HOPE?

*new job, new church, "new beginnings" - I began to experience much "hope" for the first time in years - which I would come to learn later was in some ways a "false" hope - but more particularly it was a "hope" that was very deeply rooted in some selfish ideals, some of what I would now identify as my heart-idols; such as the "need" to "be impressive" to people, to be "respected" - to be a "go to" person. (you can refer to part 2 of 9 below for more on this)

*my next job, in a small, family owned business, would prove to be a greater challenge than any I had faced - involving much relational conflict between myself and the wife/co-owner of the business. in my view, she had a very antiquated way of handling things in the office, and I was understanding that I had been hired, in part, to help the office move forward (technologicaly, etc.), and eventually culminate in my taking over her position so she could retire....

*the first 6 months were rather magical - and I got along quite famously with everyone, including the above mentioned co-owner of the business, and my boss. But it was also during those 6 months that I was learning the business and the new job, and so did EVERYTHING she told me to do, and shadowed her very closely, learning to do things HER way (because you cannot make any reasonable "improvements" if you don't first learn the way things are already being done!), and mimicking her in the job duties, making very few suggestions for improvements along the way because I was the newbie, the freshman on campus, and my goal was to be as respectful of their way of doing things - after all, she and her husband and later also one of their sons had created this business from nothing! and it was thriving.

SPIRITUAL DISPLACEMENT AND LOSS *edited*

*During that same 1st 6 months, my Dad's Dad died. Dad and I had just been out to California the summer of '05, visiting him for what we really knew would be our last time. He had spent most of his life during the years that I knew him (which arguably, was only a small fraction of the whole of his life) veritably shaking his fist in the face of God. That last visit (just before I switched jobs), there was a change in his demeanor, and he seemed intent on making sure I understood that he gave credit to God for all the "good things" he had experienced. He kept "insisting" on talking to me, and our conversations kept being interrupted by the busyness of the day, or his own physical weakness. Finally, my last day there, we found a nearly 2 hour window of time when the house was quiet, and he unfolded for me that he thought he had made this or that decision to do one thing or another, but looking back, he knew it was God all along who had led him to this or that place. I remained skeptical, and even when we left, Grandpa admitted he just didn't know "what to do with Jesus." So when he died on October 31st, it was a very bittersweet loss. We just don't know what, if anything, the Lord may have done in his heart in those last months. Nevertheless, as part of that "magical" time at my new job - despite not yet having accumulated any vacation time - I was allowed to leave for 3 days into a weekend to fly out to California with my family and participate in the service, et al.

*That trip came with its own spiritual complications - not the least of which reasons was our family suddenly being immersed in a household of frenzied activity which was also over the course of those days filled to overflowing with a variety of extended family and my grandparents' friends and friends in the community....That is a natural part of the process of loss, I've come to realize. But at that time, having had a challenging confrontation with - of all things - a Mormon, who spent the entire 3 hours of our last flight out trying to convert me to his "Scriptures" (something for which, I am sad to say, I was woefully unprepared), my spiritual foundations - on top of the emotions in losing someone you love - were shaken loose. (That would remain true for the months that followed, also.) But on that visit, when we stepped into a household that, for all intents and purposes, was filled to overflowing with people among whom we were hard pressed to find anyone of spiritual likemindedness, it was like finding yourself on the dark side of the moon. Perhaps it was exacerbated by the fact we have spent years separated by thousands of miles - but our "out-of-placeness" was palpable.

THE GROWTH OF DISTRUST *edited*

*concerning my then "new" job - as I grew to know the ins and outs of my position, and would rely less on my boss' "commands" and instructions as to how to do my job, my boss grew increasingly distrustful of me - believing that my (mind you, this is my perception) competent independence was in fact indicative of insubordination, and if I did anything differently than she had done all these years, (so it seemed to me) she grew increasingly fearful - She was not technologically experienced, and anything I did on the computer, over which she could no longer have direct control, seemed to become to her an immediate cause for suspicion, frustration and conflict.

CLAUSTROPHOBIA

*my "cubcile" was smaller than a walk in closet - and I grew increasingly claustrophobic and my frugal employer kept the heat exceedingly low in the winter and the A/C at a very high temp in the summer - and with no circulation to my little walled off 2 foot by 4 foot area in which sat me, 2 desks, my computer, and printer, and scanner, and two overhead filing compartments, a paper shredder, and at least 3 under desk filing cabinets that I can recall as well as my trash can! (no WONDER I was claustrophobic?!?!)....(I now realize there was some legitimate issue with what a medical doctor would no doubt term clinical "anxiety" or panic attacks.)

RAGE

*and as my boss' distrust for me grew, her felt-need to stand over me as I was doing my work in this very TINY TINY crowded space to make sure I wasn't taking advantage of their generosity to pay me for my time at work - it was all I could do not to scream on a daily basis, and tear my hair out! More than once I was "this close!" to whirling around and knocking her head off (see aforementioned anxiety and panic attacks....) - the same feeling I was increasingly fighting whenever I would drop something, or knock my toothbrush into the sink - uncontrollable RAGE! I wanted to throw my fist through the mirror! or pick up whatever was dropped and tear into it or throw it through a plate-glass window!

*not only was my ability to please my boss spiralling out of control (and because of my pride - and the means by which I derived my greatest sense of "self-worth" [though this is really a whole 'nother discussion!] - as I had with teachers' approvals and previous boss' approvals and my previously praised "ambition"!), my sanity was on the brink of cracking.

LIVING WITH A DEPRESSED ROOMMATE

*simultaneously, I was living by this time with a roommate who, herself, was spiralling out of control with regards to depression, anorexia, and an increasing inclination to hide herself away in our apartment - stewing in whatever spirit of self-loathing had taken hold of her. so I would come home, and there was a general air of desperation all over the walls and in every corner of our place.

*during this brief time, I also sold my home of 7 years (only the 2nd place in my life that I have ever lived more than 2 years), and my roommate and I packed up everything and moved into an apartment - my "dream" apartment! which I could not afford without a roommate, incidentally. And this locked my then roommate and I into a very difficult situation in which she really increasingly needed professional help/counseling, both of us were growing increasingly unstable with our jobs, and we now had this lease for which we were obligated.

[new addition to post]

Rather than breaking this into part A and part B, and rather than adding yet another whole host of bullet points, I am going to "cheat" and summarize by simply stating the following:

*took a stress test recently in which I was to identify certain major life events that had occurred in the previous 12 months - each event was given a numerical value, and the goal was to add the sum of the values by the end of the list, and determine the stress effect on your life - mild, normal, extreme, very extreme - seek immediate professional help. ;) WITHOUT counting the above bulletpointed events - death of my Grandpa, the trip to CA, job change, moving, and some of the other things - cuz those occurred PREVIOUS to my current 12 months, my "stress level" has now come DOWN to "very extreme," according to this particular assessment. ...

*so I am NOW living under (only) a "very extreme" amount of stress, and by comparison to even the recounting of some of the above, it feels like life has become very manageable and I am enjoying moments of legitimate rest - sometimes able to be home as often as 2 nights a week to do laundry and household chores.....for whatever that might be worth.....

Some lessons learned?

* I will have to save some of this for a future post, also. For example, I would like to discuss the difference between feeling "compelled" to do something and being "led" to do something....but that probably deserves a full post of its own.

*Looking back over the above referenced events, I just shake my head at myself. There seems to me to be, strangely, this sense of "passing blame" rather woven into the above points, too, and without rewriting the entire post, I'm afraid some of that is going to stick....or perhaps I will rewrite it at some future date. For now, suffice it to say, I am humbled (and somewhat disgusted with myself) by the reality of how I made many of the decisions I made along the way, to bring me to a breaking point....I will need to unfold this more in a future reflection.

Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 6 of 9

~why can i not lose the weight?~
(aka: "find a way to say 'yes'")

for this entry, i am simply going to skip right to the bullet points:

Some Lessons Learned? and random thoughts....
*i am quick to lie to myself.

*i have a greater appetite for pleasure than i do for food; food just happens to be one of the ways in which i derive pleasure. so i am learning to "take pleasure" in foods that are also good for me - this is requiring, largely, a re-training of my appetites. ;) [more on this below]

*i have seen some indications in both the current health/wellness class i am taking, and in other information online, etc. that compels me to believe that processed carbs especially are inherently addictive, especially to some individuals:

*i am one of those individuals by virtue of no doubt a genetic predisposition, a preference to be a night owl (and thus more apt to "crave" carbs to sustain my alertness into the night), and an overall lack of discipline in my life as far as eating well-balanced meals.

*my "comfort" foods are almost all of a complex carbohydrate nature - hearkening back to the foods we ate when we were kids. if it were up to me, my diet would happily consist of mac&cheese, saltine crackers, various kinds of ice cream, and doughy pizza. (what on earth?! i know, right?)

*even when i eat in small quantities, and even when i [think i] am eating proportionally correctly (carbs/proteins/fruits/veggies) i cannot seem to lose the weight.

*I FEEL HUNGRY WHEN I AM DEHYDRATED, and therefore need to consciously discipline myself to drink water. As yet, this is not a habit that is second nature to me, and i very very rarely get enough to drink throughout the course of the day.

*little "rules"/"tricks" can help - such as drinking 2 glasses of water before i allow myself a cup of coffee (which naturally dehydrates), drinking 2 glasses of water immediately upon the conclusion of any visit to a restroom, drinking at least 8 oz of water before eating any food, drinking a glass of water FIRST whenever i feel a hunger pang....etc.

*i get discouraged VERY easily because i loathe my reflection in a mirror and am very quick to "quit" any self-disciplinary efforts.

*friendship/accountability doesn't seem to work for me - i still lack follow through, and then just add shame to my already self-loathing attitude.

*i just plain do not enjoy physical activity - i think this is largely left over from having developed at a very young age and being more well-endowed than most of my classmates - to say nothing of my natural clumsiness. i feel self-conscious exercising in front of ANYONE - no matter whether they are smaller or larger than i am.

*no doubt the above point is directly related to the "idol of my heart" to be thought well of by others. i tend to be a perfectionist, and if i have demonstrated a general lack of skill in some area, i have avoided it altogether rather than disciplining myself to obtain that goal.

*i remember being really good at kickball back in the day - and i had powerhouse legs. i think i should have learned to play soccer - and i wonder if it is too late to learn, now? i would need to get in shape some before i could even try - but where on earth would i find such an activity so many years removed from the world of academia?

*i HATE HATE HATE "bouncing" and i HATE HATE HATE being sweaty (no doubt related to the fact i am something of a chronic hand-washer and can't stand feeling "dirty"!) - perhaps a touch of OCD?

*walking is enjoyable, especially in scenic areas - and i think i could really enjoy some kind of hiking - but i really hate being alone. and i'm sorry - i can not do the mall-walking thing!

*i need to find ways to discipline myself into physical activity that will minimize my exposure to other people but won't necessarily always mean i'm isolated/alone, and will also minimize the "impact" so it limits the bouncing factor and the wear/tear on my joints, and i need to have quick access to a way to get clean....

*no doubt i should also train myself to care much less about whether other people are "watching" me or not. so what if they are? what do they care? and so what if they do? why should their "caring" [mocking?!] make me care enough to not get up and move!?

*now, to concentrate on learning a way to physically discipline my body so i can enjoy the activities which i perform....most simply, i enjoy "purpose" - there must be a meaningful reason for what i am doing. (ie: merely looking better is "meaningless" to me - not literally, per se, but in light of "what lasts" it is.) so in view of this, i am thinking through the following:

-identify "destinations" so that when i am walking i am actually going somewhere
-identify meditations/prayers/Scripture to memorize while walking
-look for opportunities to invite a friend for a walk as a means of both visiting with the friend and getting up and moving around!
-investigate options to enjoy the facilities at my apartment complex - up to and including the pool; perhaps at a time when it is otherwise unoccupied so as to avoid the "self-conscious" notion of being in a bathing suit in public!!
-look for ways to be "moving" even in my apartment - perhaps stairstepping type exercises, or invest in some hand-held weights to keep by the TV.

*in keeping with "re-training" my appetites, i am trying to apply the "wine-tasting" mentality to eating my meals:

-take the time to savor
-similarly, take time to prepare! that is - there is intrinsic pleasure to be derived from the crafting of a good meal - make time so you can take time!
-take time to look at the food/drink before you consume it
-appreciate the colors, the composition
-think about what you are going to eat
-how it was made, what creative and intelligent effort went into the growing and nurturing and harvesting of the foodstuffs that went into making this meal
-consider how the various spices and other component parts come together to make the overall flavor
-chew slowly, tasting the bite on different sections of your tongue, thinking about the nuances of the flavors

*i need to find ways to not give up....

Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 5 of 9

~how does the Lord give grace to the humble(d)~

(aka: "...He himself has ministered to me through it.")

When you spend an increasingly cumulative amount of time sick, and are losing more and more time of each day to some form of having to lay down or be in bed just to maintain functionality, it is tempting to grow increasingly despairing and to make demands of God - to restore your health or to provide someone to help take care of you, or whatever it is.

I have begun to suspect that as the Lord has allowed me (caused me?) to suffer the consequences of some poor decisions, and some "accidents" of genetics and the like, that he has been taking me through a process designed to first make me aware of my self-sufficiency, and then to break down my ability to maintain it, and to restore to me not only the awareness of my dependence on him for grace and mercy, but also for my every breath, my mind, my ability even to walk or to speak.

It has been a humbling process, to be sure, but the increasing awareness of my need has only made me grow in my appreciation for his kindness - because sometimes, immobile and concentrating on just being able to breathe, the only thing I have had left that I could still manage was to read some bit of Scripture or a book (most recently "Overcoming Sin and Temptation" by John Owen) or to pray. And in those moments, it seems I was most keenly aware of the fact that while no one else might know that I was genuinely struggling, the Lord himself was able to minister to me. That is, he interposed his hand to keep me from the temptation of making demands, and instead taught me more of the preciousness of the abundance of the good gifts that he has already given me in Christ.

I hope, even if (as it seems) I am healing physically, I never forget my utter dependency on him.

Some Lessons Learned:
*The Lord has been answering my prayer!

A few years ago when I first came to the awareness of the sovereignty of God in his grace, I had prayed precisely the promise repeated in Scripture that "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble," and I had asked him to "make me HUMBLE, by whatever means, so that I might receive more of your grace." There is a sense in which a person can know what he is asking when he prays a prayer like this, and I was asking out of a heart that had already been humbled enough to taste of the sweetness of Christ. And I wanted more.

*The Lord determines how he will be worshipped.

When I first lost my "breath" (pneumonia/chronic bronchitis), it meant I could no longer sing - which was one of the primary ways in which I not only ministered in my church, but also worshipped the Lord, myself. I found it terribly humbling, and I went through a kind of grieving as there was a possibility (if my doctors were to be believed) that I would be sick with COPD the rest of my life. I had to rearrange myself - and in that time, the Lord showed me that HE was the one who would dictate in my life how he would and should be worshipped. And if that meant, for now, taking away my voice, then so be it. And he instead, opened other ways - to "make music in my heart" to the Lord, which very often meant just sitting or standing quietly in my row with other brothers and sisters and listening to them sing praises to the Lord. It meant sitting out in the congregation and listening to the choir perform, and the worship team's harmonies. It meant, in short, a lot more of me "being still and knowing that he is God."

*The Lord will provide - if it is a genuine need.

It is true, there is a strange isolating process that takes place when you are chronically sick. You stop telling people "how you are" because the answer is always the same - you're sick, you're tired, you're just glad you could continue to work this past week - but you had to drop out of everything else, you're struggling, you're this, you're that. But it is also true that if you really need something - that is, not just if you "feel" like you have a need, but it is a real need - the Lord provides. And there has been more than one occasion in the course of the past 2-3 years where the Lord has forced me to humble myself and receive someone else's gracious gift - such as a meal, or a special delivery of juice and tea, or a word of kindness, a visit from a friend, or the offer to help in some other way. I didn't always get what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted. But I have never been in need but that the Lord has provided.

*As a followup to the above point, I learned some other things (perhaps "childlike," but then - I have been largely an "infant come toddler" in my faith, and I DO have a lot of growing up to do. ;)) that I don't need.

I don't "need" to be understood. I don't "need" to keep up with my house. I don't "need" always the company of friends or family. I don't "need" to always LOOK good. I don't "need" to always FEEL good....And if I find, at any time, these "felt needs" are stripped away, I am left more humbled and more inclined to call upon the Lord for help and restoration....Not as one making a DEMAND, but rather seeking such things from the hand of a Good Father, in humility acknowledging that "every good gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights who does not change like shifting shadows."

It would seem to me I should desire MORE that my "felt needs" be stripped away - because what greater need do I really have? Than to call upon my God and receive his mercy?

Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 4 of 9

~finding yourself in the midst of a chronic illness~
(aka, "what it seems no one really knows....")

Having already addressed, a bit, in the preceding posts the issues in part of HOW I got to where I am, and my frustrations with insurance and doctors and prescriptions, THIS post will be more reflective and, I hope thoughtful as well as perhaps encouraging to anyone who finds himself in the midst of a chronic illness.

Answering the hard questions: "How are you?"
When you have a chronic illness, you have to get used to NOT answering this question honestly when it is routinely asked. That may sound pedantic, and I don't mean it to be. Rather, if you are like me (and maybe I'm unique in this?), I really cannot abide "inauthenticity."

I think "flirting" is CHEAP, I think "dating" is merely creating an ARTIFICIAL test environment where no real intimacy or knowing-of-the-other-person can take place, and...I think answering the "How are you?" question can be darn-near torturous.

I have VERY seldom been one who finds herself able to muster up an enthusiastic "Fine!" Even before this past couple of years and the health struggles therein, I have felt to answer "Fine!" was artificial, and merely colloquial - and yet another way that we, in our society, isolate ourselves from having genuine, intimate connections with each other!

A stranger on the street calls this out as a greeting? I am quite "fine" with answering with some expected, cryptic pleasantry. But at church? at work? (at school, perhaps?) a family member? Part of me "expects" them to CARE - I mean really CARE to know how I am doing in answer to their question! So, I try to answer in an honest, but short way that doesn't also have the risk of discouraging or upsetting them....

That is to say, I don't think I should probably always answer with things like "Well, actually, I've been really struggling with [fill in the blank], and this is really tripping up my ability to get any genuine rest. So, if you could pray for me, I would REALLY appreciate it - especially about my attitude, cuz seriously?, when I am not well-rested I struggle to not bite people's heads off, or my own for that matter, and that is not only unloving, but could really do some damage...."

Yet that, or some close cousin, is almost ALWAYS the thought flying through my head before I answer a person on this point. And invariably, I will end up offering a very long, socially unacceptable pause before I finally say "I am well," or "I can't complain," or more recently "I am doing better than I deserve."

I don't know why this is; and I am examining myself on this very point - in part because I think there is an intrisic selfishness to the fact I find this such a gruesome exchange. And it IS - after all - a DAILY experience, so I must find a solution to this dilemma. It doesn't matter where I go, anyone and everywhere asks this question! And......what if I make it a point to ask the question first? Hm, I wonder if that would be a way of pre-ordering my thoughts so that I can approach the "colloquial pleasantry" in a way that would be more selfless and mindful of the other person? ....Train myself to be less inside my own head, and more prepared and intentional about thinking of others first?

No doubt I will need to revisit this topic in a future post.....

The Isolation Factor
This seems to be particularly magnified if, like me, you happen to be single and live alone. And I will, perhaps, address this in more detail in an upcoming post concerning HOW the Lord gives grace to the humble(d); for now, suffice it to say, even if you an introverted, non-relational thinker by nature, the more ill you are, the more alone you feel.

For the purposes of this conversation, at this stage, let's just assert that I deal regularly with a good deal of fatigue. My particular situation also involves my adrenal glands kicking in to provide "energy" - normally [designed to be] a fight/or flight response to stimulus, and I will experience an "adrenaline rush" as part of the normal course of any given conversation, or reading a book of particular interest! And I don't have to be "doing" anything. Which means, I have come to realize, that I MUST guard my rest - time that I have more direct control over when my adrenal glands are engaging in response to situations. Which means I am often having to stay home, and not even move about my apartment or I will induce both an adrenalin rush and its subsequent crash.

This has a two-fold effect, the first of which is obvious, the second of which I didn't anticipate. 1) By virtue of actually BEING home more often, I'm more isolated from relationships, and 2) By virtue of being home during those times when I am MOST sick, people don't SEE me very often when I'm very ill. So there is this very strange feeling of "they don't believe I'm really sick" that rather dominates my thinking.

Perhaps, again, I should refer back to post #2 of 9 in which I touched on the reality of my "dependence" upon the good opinions of others, and the fact that my being home sick and having to refrain from making commitments to things like my church choir, or even regularly attending on Sundays! makes me feel like people are suspicious of just how sick I have been....and I want them to believe me! Because I cannot abide falsity or artificial pleas for attention or compassion/care/concern, and I do not want to be perceived as someone who is just crying out in this way....like some kind of Munchausen patient.

So, I speak to my soul and suggest "Perhaps, Leah, this is getting too close to the idol of your heart? Perhaps, Leah, you are realizing your fear - that you cannot control every person's good opinion of you, and just the threat of that is enough to force you to overcompensate and try to convince them! So when they ask you how you are....you want to tell them all the glowing details, and you can't just say 'I'm doing well!' or, better, 'I am thankful for the Lord's many good blessings!'....Perhaps, you need to allow others' opinions to be what they are, and not allow them to define you to yourself. The good opinions of others need NOT dictate how you think about yourself - rather speak the truth to yourself: Your identity is in Christ, and you are a NEW creation, and the old things have passed away and behold, all things have been made new. And 'My grace is sufficient for you; My power is made perfect in weakness.'"

so help me, God....

Cultivating Patience ~ How can they know if you don't tell them?
I experienced a profound gut-punch at a recent Ladies' Retreat - I felt noticeably "not normal" as I was struggling to keep my adrenalin from kicking in, and yet still be sociable. It was the turning point, actually, for my decision to try going Gluten-Free.

That Friday night, I was visibly physically distressed - I know, because everyone that talked to me asked me how I was doing and suggested they thought I looked exhausted. In "normal" small-talk fashion, they DID show the very care of which I was lamenting the lack above, and were probing into my condition. Since I was already "on the edge" physically, even engaging in conversation would have put me over the top, and it was all I could do to concentrate on staying calm so my adrenals wouldn't go into overdrive mode.

I recall one gal in particular had invited me to join her table for games, enthusing that if I just sat down and got into all the fun I'd feel better. I felt a surge of anger as my first reaction, irrationally mentally crying out "NO! You don't understand! That will only make things much much worse!" Mercifully, I came back to reality before I actually opened my mouth and was able to decline the invitation and suggest I would really feel better if I could just get to bed. As it is, I was up every hour that night, and even more exhausted come Saturday morning.

By this time, I was making mental note of how very not like the other ladies' I was at least appearing to feel. Even women whom I know to suffer from their own chronic fatigue and/or pain, etc. seemed to be chipper and bright as day. Perhaps they have just learned to mask it more effectively than I have. But privately, in my room, when I was dressing and trying to get ready for the day, I was bordering on despair with tears in my eyes, telling myself "I can't live like this! This is not normal, and this is not how my body was designed to function!"

Rather than diving into depression, I decided I had to at least give this new diet a try. All my symptoms have been consistent with some combination of PCOS, hypothyroidism, adrenal fatigue, and the newest addition to the list - Celiac disease. I had learned that it is being discovered that PCOS patients very often also have Celiac disease - I am not sure of the connection, and know that BOTH conditions have been found to be genetic, and as a result of some savvy internet searching undergirded with information from this health and wellness class I've been attending for several months, I have concluded I need to try a gluten-free diet. And as I write this, I do not know to what extent (if any) I have some or all of the above conditions. (The only one I have had diagnosed by a physician so far is the PCOS.) But I also know I can control what I do and do not eat FAR more readily and far more willingly than I can subject myself to numerous, expensive diagnostics leading to many more prescription medications which I will not realistically be able to afford, and by which I cannot realistically expect to receive true deliverance!

Some Lessons learned?
*clearly, at the root of much of my above mentioned struggles is a heart that is still very steeped in pride, a longing to thought well of, even loved. it is a deeply entrenched desire, the trappings of which I recognize in even some of my earliest childhood memories. I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid of what other people were thinking of me.

*and as I write this, I am reminding myself that a lifetime of bowing down to my own Dagon in this respect will not be uprooted so instantaneously. (cf 1 Sam. 5, the idol of Dagon toppled again and again by the ark of the covenant, representing the very presence of the One True Living God.) I can only hope the Lord will continue to be patient with me and topple my heart idols again and again, even as I may rush to set them back up each time....

*how utterly unreasonable is it of me to so regularly expect everyone else around me to read my mind! and yet that is precisely what I seem to do, more often than not. When I am most needing someone to draw me out of myself, I allow myself to feel sorrowful because no one really wants to know "how I am." When those same people who really want to know how I'm doing are persistent in finding out, internally I allow myself to get upset because I think they should know that I just need to be left alone! and this says nothing at all about my own inclinations to ask people how they are, or to try to probe past their [in my perception] carefully constructed walls to the "real" them underneath - and perhaps they just need to be left alone? but I want to probe and pry and fix whatever needs fixin'.....I think I am ridiculous and hypocritical! This must change.

*why do I expect that everyone else should have some kind of empathy for my struggles? Do I really know with what very difficult or painful or harrowing things they are struggling? and if they choose not to share, why must I assume this is their efforts to be "fake"? why not rather assume the "best" and that they are trying to be more selfless and consider me above themselves by their very withholding of their sorrows? and why not rather learn from this, as an example of maturity, not always having to wear my every deep and inner emotion on my sleeve for all the world to see? why not rather "treasure up all these things and ponder them in my heart"? (says Leah as she types on her BLOG for all the world to see....)

*Oh, my Lord, please cultivate in me a heart of selflessness, let me be willing to receive not only blessings from your hand but also hardships so that I may be disciplined and trained by them - Please do not yield me up to my idols - however much I might prefer them to you! Let me not be overcome by my yearning for ANY good opinion but yours, and when I long for yours, remind me of who I am in Christ so that I will not despair of the very many, deep, and abiding ways in which I fall short of your standard of perfection. Make his righteousness mine, that I might be conformed more to the likeness of your Beloved, in my heart, mind, soul and strength.

~amen~

Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 3 of 9

~how does the current health care system set us up for disaster~
(aka: "oh, my achy breaky heart - how we deceive ourselves!" cf. Jer. 17:5-10)

Continuing in the vein of the previous posts related to this story of my physical decline - it seems not only appropriate, but also necessary, for me to wax philosophical for a moment about the nature of our health care system.

No, I don't intend to launch into a tyraid about whether or not I think healthcare coverage should be universal, though I could perhaps give a biting retort to various politicians' cavalier use of the word "right!" in the context of affordable health care for every American....not because of the notion of the appropriateness or inappropriateness of such a promise, but purely on the basis of what precisely is a "right" - and how is it obtained ("endowed")....

What WAS the problem?
*When I went to work for the small family-owned business, I had no health insurance because my employer encouraged, and contributed funds for, a health savings account (which in principal I found to be very WISE!),
*but I did not qualify for the HSA friendly coverage because of my then current weight,

*which was the direct result of my ongoing health issues already in play, for which I then could not get good healthcare assistance

*because the monetary contributions I received from my employer FOR the HSA precluded my being able to purchase even Blue Cross Blue Shield - which supposedly never turns anyone away for any reason....

*so I had to either turn away the monthly check from my employer designed to aid with my health costs AND take on the additional monthly output of the cost of a stand-alone insurance policy (a net loss of roughly $450 out of an already thinly stretched monthly income), or live without health insurance.

*and then my relationship with that employer went south (see previous post), and I was told if I didn't get specific coverage, I would lose the monthly health bonus - a moot point, because either way I would have to get rid of one to get the other....And THAT, my friends, is a Can't-Win-For-Losing scenario.

"NEW" drugs on the market....REALLY??
My latest health education and concerns have also led me to reflect on the current interdependency of the Medical Profession and the profitability of the "big drug companies." And I apologize in advance, because THIS is where I will - for many of you - start to sound like an old Kook, or at best, a conspiracy-theorist. But I don't think I'm alone in my suspicions.

I am very thankful that I am NOW in a job in which I have finally gotten health insurance coverage - and even that was a long time coming due to "pre-existing conditions" clauses, and the like. However, because of the littany of health issues with which I was dealing, there were months in the past couples years where I was on no fewer than 8 prescriptions at one time. NONE of which addressed any "root cause" issues; that is to say, fully all 8 of my prescriptions were designed to treat SYMPTOMS - of asthma/chronic bronchitis (COPD) from which I was told I would never heal (post-Pneumonia), of various menstrual issues (associated with the PCOS), and borderline manic/depressive anxiety for which I was put on an anti-depressant.

I do not doubt that my physician(s) were motivated by a genuine desire to help me get well, so I do not mean to speak in such a way as to condemn any medical professionals, or mine in particular.....But I DO suspect that our cultural dependence on pills and medications stems - at best - from an all-pervasive "faith" in not only science, but man's apparently limitless capacity to know-all when it comes to medical advances, etc.

So what exactly IS the problem?
*drug companies offer incentives to medical professionals to promote their patented (key word, PATENTED) medications. so while generic labels may do just fine, your doctor - unless you TELL him/her that you have financial limitations - will likely prescribe a NAME brand before a generic one.

*my physician offered me free samples of yet another "NEW" anti-allergy type medication - another new name brand on the market - simply because it was free. Very helpful. But what was this mysterious "NEW" drug, you may ask? the exact same one as the OLD name brand, for which there was now a generic equivalent on the market because the patent had expired - and the drug manufacturer only modified a non-active ingredient in the formula so they could get a new patent on their "new" drug - a mere re-packaging of the OLD one that I could get for $4 at Walmart, if only I and my physician knew better (which, thankfully, we do, but what of patients who blindly trust physicians who might be less than 100% selfless when dolling out prescriptions?)

*additionally, for all their knowledge (and don't get me wrong, I am THANKFUL for all our medical knowledge! Let me be clear, I am not advocating an anti-medicine position here!), medical professionals of any breed are still merely human, and cannot possibly know all the reasons for all the varieties of side-effects of any given drug and/or why or how this drug might interact with that drug, or why some 95% of the population takes one drug without any notable adverse effects while the other 5% suffer potentially horrendous consequences....

~Now, I am the first to find such small print lists of all the possible side-effects veritably laughable. Fallible humanity swings both directions - both the "professionals" AND the "patients" are constrained by their own finite natures, and are apt to be misled, and (even if we give the benefit of the doubt and assume NO malice on anyone's part) we are all inescapably flawed....

Some Lessons Learned?
*we have made TREMENDOUS advances in medical knowledge, but we are STILL "fearfully and wonderfully" made, and the WAY we heal, and the varieties of ways things can go wrong with the human body, are still very largely mysterious. (I know we have made oh so many advances in our knowledge - but I think it would behoove us to cultivate a humble respect for that which we just do not know....)

*our "faith" in our "healers" is largely the consequence, in my opinion, of having abandoned the notion of God as Creator - and entrusting ourselves to HIM as the one who just might have known what he was doing when he made our bodies to function in this or that "fearful and wonderful" way, up to and including what kinds of foods we should be ingesting, and what kinds of "healing balm(s)" we might be able to discover by exploring HIS creation....

*by virtue of living in a society, we are - like it or not - at the mercy, to a large extent, of a great many people - ALL of whom are at the start at LEAST "finite" and "sinful" ("depraved") and easily even self-deceived [to say nothing of greed and malicious intent]. This is true economically, politically, and even in medical circles where the very best of our men and women STILL cannot agree on what it means to "first do no harm."

*perhaps - just perhaps - it would be wise to re-assess all of these things in light of our "first faith" - What man has discovered? or what man has YET to discover? about the intricasies of how we are made. (Shall we worship, revere, esteem, and place our trust so wholly in created things? Or the Creator of all things?)

*perhaps - just perhaps - our "best life now" (to borrow a popular book title) starts with a change of heart....

Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 2 of 9

~how did job-stress bring me to the brink of disaster~
(aka, "I want to be worshipped!")

This is not so simple as it appears, on the surface. The conventional wisdom, it would seem, is that job-stress is a major contributor to the health and wellness or lack thereof for most everyone. However, being something of a ruminator, I find my "insights" are far more of a metaphysical nature, than merely physical....

Adrenalin and 12 Hour Days:
I was "on the run" for many years, working for a local bank come super-regional bank, in the midst of the subprime mortgage lending boom of the end of the 1990's to mid-2000's. Mercifully, I was in "servicing" and not originations [that is, I was not a loan officer (though I had that set as a goal)] so my area of speciality became escrow servicing and analysis - dealing primarily with taxing authorities and insurance companies on behalf of our customers. Eventually, I worked my way up from the bottom (twice, but that's another story) to end up as a team supervisor, and set my sights on management and eventually VP.

I quickly became one of the most experienced go-to persons in our 200+ person department, and it was normative to have a sea of people at my desk asking questions and transfering irate customers to me to calm and assist at any given point on any given day. Reps would come to me rather than going to their own supervisors because they knew I would give them accurate and reliable information - and I was flattered by their attention even though it meant every day was a battle with adrenalin.

I prided myself on being able to juggle 47 balls in the air at one time - and took a secret delight in, on the one hand, being praised for my intelligence and problem-solving skills, and, on the other, bad-mouthing my employer for putting me in this position without any viable help to speak of (by virtue of what I was quick to identify as bad hiring practices, and poor managerial involvement with those "on the front line").

I lived and breathed my job. The irony is, I also hated the stress.

Mind you, I LOVED being so valued by my team members and the others in the department, and I LOVED getting customer compliments - turning their monetary disasters into workable solutions - mediating between them and the big-bad-bank wherever possible! I suppose you could say I saw myself as something of a savior to both my customers and my fellow employees. But I also have vivid memories of walking past the Security Guard station on my way in to my office chanting in my head "Death would be preferable, death would be preferable to this!" I was already heading to a very dark place, emotionally and spiritually, dealing with depression and chronic migraines, even "seeing things" in my peripheral vision, and blaming all of it on my job.

Craving peace and quiet!
I resigned from my job at the bank in 2005 because of an unexpected opportunity to join a small, family owned business - downgrading from a 200+ person department to a 2 person office, and simultaneously downgrading my salary, my benefits to next to nothing, and landing in a position of almost 0 vacation and no health insurance. There were many reasons behind this decision, not the least of which was the longing for quiet....But I also still longed for approval and to be perceived as not only "excellent" in my job, but BEST in it. And this was an opportunity to eventually move into a primary position - taking over for the wife of the owner of the business who was hoping to soon retire.

I walked in the doors of my new office with high hopes, high expectations, and a very high approval rating from my new employer.

Unfortunately, through a series of circumstances I will not detail, over the next year and a half, my relationship with the wife of the owner of the business deteriorated rapidly as she refused to relenquish various tasks, ultimately relegating me to the position of a glorified file clerk - which was a direct assualt to my pride. Try as I may, I could not establish a trust with this woman, and one by one, all the balls I felt fully capable of keeping in the air were snatched from my hands. And in a cumulative flurry of relational conflicts, we mutually agreed that I would not be a good fit in this position, and we simultaneously began looking for our respective replacements.

In the end, I was now nearly 2 years into a job in which I had had no vacation time, no health insurance, and an unexpected escalated series of stresses far worse than anything I had experienced at the bank. And I left. Humiliated, relationally wounded and angry, and now unemployed....and sick.

My last week on the job was my first trip to the Urgent Care Center, and my first diagnosis with Pneumonia.

Some Lessons Learned?
*I was largely dependent (!) on the good opinions of others to sustain me.

*I "kept going" by virtue of "adrenalin" - and conceived of this "rush" as if it were my "energy" level - only more recently have I learned that this was one more way of deceiving myself, of "appearing" to be healthy while ignoring some very serious, root issues.

*I perceived that my relationships were defining to me - for better and for worse....without people who would admire or love me or need me, I felt like my life was worthless, meaningless, a failure.

*My FIRST reaction was to pass blame - to my employer, to people lined up at my desk, to my circumstances. I was SLOW to look for ways to influence my circumstances, and so both felt, and indeed was, "tossed about like a wave of the sea," unstable in all my ways....

*I could only be "impressive" for so long....and I KNEW I couldn't sustain the illusion, and feared losing respect, feared losing control, feared losing momentum.

Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 1 of 9

~when I became desperate enough~
(aka, "how it all began")

It all started (so I thought) two years ago when I developed what was diagnosed as Pnemonia not once, but twice within a one month period. Even that was the consequence of going on nearly 2 years without health insurance, and so I had been pushing myself in a way that would avoid going to a doctor.

Eventually ~ when I became desperate enough ~ a woman from my church who had in that time also become my mentor and discipler, and who was also a nurse herself, persuaded me to seek help from a local, faith-based clinic: Health Intervention Services (HIS).

Now dealing with what by this time had became a chronic bronchial issue, it would take me no fewer than sixteen different doctors to finally get a word of advice that would begin my healing process....


*future posts will (hopefully) address:

~how did job-stress bring me to the brink of disaster
~how does the current health care system set us up for disaster
~finding yourself in the midst of a chronic illness
~how does the Lord give grace to the humble(d)
~why can i not lose the weight!?
~a downward spiral, to the point of collapse
~experimental medicine? or growing in grace and the knowledge of the Lord's design for the body?
~and the consequences of applying wisdom and discipline