Set Up for a Health Disaster, part 9 of 9

Summary - and where we go from here

This is not what I had originally intended to post as my 9th installment of this "introduction" to my situation. But I think it will serve the purpose, perhaps, better.

I wasn't planning to write this note, and it just came about as a way of trying to bring my sister-in-law up to speed on why I had to cancel plans with her and my brother last weekend.

So I'm gonna let you all in on that read:


Hiya!

I just posted on your wall. But actually, there is a possibility I may be cancelling on [my friends], tomorrow, also - I am not "well" altogether, and have to be very careful I don't "push" myself right now, or I could (re)damage my adrenal glands - I feel I have just started healing (especially since going gluten free), but I know I just am not drawing from a "genuine" store of energy, yet. I think I am just so accustomed to running on adrenalin, my body doesn't know how to function from the energy it has stored up in an abundance of fat cells.

Mostly, I am beginning to recognize some "sin" areas in my life that have ... mmm ... caused (though I use the word loosely) me to live in such a way as to kinda overachieve-by-way-of-adrenalin. In fact, I find this is NOT actually the life the Lord is requiring of me - and he has been working to teach me about my WEAKNESS and my need to REST, etc. That is, I am altogether too much of a control-freak, wanting to be a god unto myself, and have not in fact cultivated my dependence on the Lord - perhaps evidenced by my woefully insufficient prayer life. So, I am thankful he brought me to such a brick wall of health problems in the past couple of years so I could come to see how I was just throwing myself around in ways that felt (as far as I knew) NATURAL but were in fact rooted in idolatry and the desire to be impressive or win approval, or win ARGUMENTS and be the smartest or most talented, blah blah blah.

Suffice it to say, some of the "consequences" of past decisions (or LACK of intentionality) include now not only health concerns, but the need to "pull back" and sometimes let people down cuz I can't just "hang out" like normal (or at least what has been "normal" for me). I feel like I'm always "canceling" on people these days....And it's difficult, too, cuz I APPEAR healthier to others when I am pumping full of adrenalin - it's like a drug, really. (Adrenalin-junkie is a REAL thing....) And so I may look like I'm happy and appear to have (in those moments) great energy; but in fact, that's probably when I am causing the most damage to my body. So if I am on the "brink" of getting all hyped up or what not, I find I have to deliberately pull back and just lie down, or sit and BE STILL for a while, or actually sleep. My body kicks in the adrenalin (survival mode) when I am NOT getting enough rest - it's like that "second wind" you get at night when you're on the brink of falling asleep and you just can't keep your eyes open another minute, but then suddenly you go another 4 hours and if you TRY to fall asleep before that "burst" wears off, you can't....I have been living in that "suddenly you go another 4 hours" mode for...um....years. No wonder I'm sick all the time!!

Anyway....I thought perhaps you might benefit from knowing a little more of what's going on. I don't want you to think I'm avoiding y'all. :) I just can't be as "aggressive" as I once was about planning outings with folks, so I tend to wait more on others' initiative these days....I have a theory it helps me prioritize, though I don't really know, yet.....

Also, I just started the "Master Cleanse" today, in fact - I hope this will, as [our friend] suggests, help "reboot" my system. The science behind it makes sense to me - and the benefits are consistent with my set of health struggles....So I'll be "fasting" for a minimum of 7 days (+ 3 days ease back into normal diet) and reassess my stamina and will-power and finances at that point before deciding to continue....

So. There ya have it. :)

I DO want to get together with you and [Z], but I have to actually PLAN to be home and "still" some nights of the week, which makes my social outings much fewer and farther between....and when I boo boo - and schedule too much for my body to handle - I end up disappointing people.

:(

But let's maybe do PLAN for something the week after Father's Day??

Love you!
Leah